Ceasefire

     I think song lyrics and music are my love language. If I could have a conversation with just song lyrics, it would be amazing!!! This song, "Ceasefire" by Frank Turner has been on repeat for the last two days! I learned about this song on The Dr. John Deloney Show, which is my favorite podcast, check it out! This song is about reasoning with your younger self, and it is so powerful! The chorus is incredible! I think growing up, we all have dreams and ideas of what we want our future to look like and then, there's the reality of what our future is and where we are right now. Fortunately, we can control our choices and habits to create the future that we would like. 

    When I was fifteen, I wanted to be a lot of things! I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but my number 1 dream was to live in New York and go to Julliard school of Music. I actually talked to my middle school band teacher and found all of the criteria to get in so I could do it. Unfortunately, I grew up surrounded by fixed mindsets and living in New York would be soooo expensive!  Also, I hated practicing, and I have so much anxiety performing in front of others.  So, I chose not to go that route. 

    My favorite hobby is writing and composing music. I haven't done it in years. I honestly haven't played in a really long time and I sold most of my instruments. Music was one of the things I sacrificed when I got married because my partner was in a funk band and I went to almost all of his shows. I got to live through him and also by going to open mic nights once a week and listening. I performed a few times and it was really fun! Now, I think I'm going to spend my time getting back into that hobby and see where it leads.

     Anyway, if you ever have arguments with your younger self or find yourself digging through the past feeling regrets, write your younger self a letter. I did this just before my 2nd year divorce anniversary in November. After I finished that letter, I wrote a letter to my future self (42 year old me) about where and who I want to be and accomplish in the next 10 years. It's a really healing process. 

Below are the link to the video and the song lyrics! If you have a song that speaks to you, please share!  

Here is the song:  https://youtu.be/SRIhhQ9rfQ4?si=ydXBa86qQ3JCezse

Lyrics:

[Verse 1]
Fifteen-year-old Francis
We need to have a word
I know because I remember
That you cannot stand The Verve
But Richard Ashcroft had a point
Now I'm old enough to see
There's a million different people
You will be before you're me

[Chorus]
I know I'm not
Everything that you had hoped and imagined that I would be
But I did my best
And I have seen things that you don't even know that you've never seen
We need to find some common ground
In the ruins that still stand                                                                                                       Between you and me both of us want peace

Ceasefire

[Verse 2]
I'm haunted by a ghost
Who hides inside my body
Raging, rattling chains
Fifteen year old me
He judges my decisions
He scorns what I've become
And the hatred that consumes me
Starts and ends with him

[Chorus]
I know I'm not
Everything that you had hoped and imagined that I would be
But I did my best
And I have seen things that you don't even know that you've never seen
We need to find some common ground
In the ruins that still stand
Between you and me both of us want peace
Ceasefire

[Bridge]
Then I came to clutching a paper map
Tattered and full of holes
Wandering through the ruins
Of North East London
And I suspect if somehow I could hold
This map up to the sun, I'd somehow find new words
Written in the backstreets

And just perhaps, if I could stitch together
My evenings and my weekends like cells within a film
They'd tell you the story that you need to hear

[Chorus]
That everything that you had hoped and imagined that you would be
Might not work out
You'll find yourself stuck in the ruins with maps that you cannot read
So come now let's make peace between you and me
I can't leave you behind, you're always on my mind
This is ridiculous, I cannot live like this
Undone, undiagnosed, begging forgiveness of a ghost

[Outro]
Ceasefire
Ceasefire
Ceasefire

Ceasefire

All The Feels...Melancholy

https://youtu.be/RASMoa4-oig         

          Do you have those times where emotionally you're hurting so much that your body physically hurts?

That's how the last few weeks have been. My feelings and emotions feel so broken and torn, that my body is starting to get really sick. I haven't slept much in probably two weeks and it finally caught up to me! My body has been so strong and doing everything it needs to do, which is a miracle, but it's so tired and just wants to rest. 

         If you know me, I am usually high energy most of the time, but right now, I would sleep all day if I could! Sometimes I just want to escape and not exist anymore because everything hurts. 

        

        What do you all do when you feel like this?  Do you embrace it and sit in it? Do you find a way to escape from it? 

  

           In a different circumstance, where I didn't have kids, I would probably lay in bed and binge watch hallmark (because it predictable-- no surprises!) and eat so much chocolate ice cream, pizza, pasta...everything that makes my body feel sick! 

           But today, I still get to be a mom and mask the hurt and try to be present to take care of my kids. And I get to do it again, day in and day out, until they have visitation again in March. 

            Luckily, this is just a feeling and it won't last forever. It's only a small moment, and the beauty of this moment is that it reminds me that I am alive and I feel so many different things besides joy. 

            For anyone who feels like this, you are not alone and it will be okay.

Toddler Talks!!!

 Amelia: “Black Mamba Poop!”

Tommy: “If you say poop, Grandma and Grandpa Shepherd will spank your butt. Do you want that to happen?”

Amelia: “Poop!” Laughs mischievously.

Picture of Grandma and Grandpa Shepherd for reference! They’ve never spanked my kids.

Choosing jammies:

Me: “Amelia, do you just want a t-shirt?”

Tommy: “No, Amelia wants a vagina.”

Me: “She already has a vagina.”

Tommy: “Do want a Barbie vagina, Amelia?”

Toddler Talks

 Tommy: “Guess what?”

Me: “Chicken Butt, what?”

Tommy: “I’m not a chicken butt, my butt is not a chicken. Chicken is food or an animal or food…like our chicken salad stuff.”

When we were riding the transit today, Tommy saw a person wearing a Weezer T shirt.

Tommy: “Mom, it’s “If you want to destroy my sweater!”

I seriously have the coolest kid.

Tommy putting on his button up shirt for church:

“I look like Ken from Barbie!”

Update: Every button up shirt is now a Ken shirt and Ken does not button up his shirts and neither does Tommy!

        

      Tommy: “It’s too big mom!”

Tommy: “I don’t want to go to school today!”

Mom: “What if you get to wear your dinosaur pants and cowboy boots?”

Tommy: “Deal!”

*The boots are literally 5 sizes too big, but he loves them!

Conversation with Tommy on the way home from daddy’s house:

Me: “Tommy, our family looks different because Mommy and Daddy don’t live together. It’s okay though because what matters is that you are so loved. Daddy loves you. Mommy loves you. Granny and Grandpa love you. Grandma and Pop Pop love you. All of your aunts and uncles love you. All of your cousins love you….

Tommy: “And Jesus?”

Me: “And Jesus loves you too.”

Tommy is rocking my killer bunny slippers! The bunnies are eating the dinosaurs! “He’ll jump on your neck and bite your head off!”